Love languages can start a conversation, but labels have limits, therapists say

Love languages can give couples a way to talk about what makes them feel valued, but the five labels can also oversimplify relationships, psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer has told the BBC.

The idea comes from American pastor and relationship counsellor Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, *The 5 Love Languages*. His categories are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Chapman developed the concept from observations made while counselling couples.

Counselling psychologist Sarah Emmerson told the BBC that couples frequently bring the labels into sessions. She said research offers little support for the idea that there are only five ways to show love and that everyone fits neatly into those categories.

That does not mean talking about preferences is pointless. Sturmer said the framework can help people reflect on what they and their partners enjoy in a relationship, even though she considers it “hugely limited”.

She also warned that a label could be used to pressure a partner: someone might say that, because their love language is physical touch, their partner must always be physically intimate with them.

Chapman has distinguished physical touch from sex. In a 2019 interview with Vice, he said it could include non-sexual gestures such as holding hands or placing a hand on a partner’s shoulder.

Writing in Psychology Today in 2025, psychotherapist and sex therapist Marty Klein offered another way to approach the labels: treat them as preferences rather than demands. For example, someone might say “I prefer to get gifts” rather than “I have to get gifts”, he wrote.